


Mein Herz lügt nicht

by Meaka



Series: Mein Ein und Alles [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt, Hand Jobs, Levi's POV chapter 10, Levi's POV chapter 9 of Verbind dich mit mir, M/M, Mental Anguish, Oral Sex, Seizures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:28:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26698261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meaka/pseuds/Meaka
Summary: After returning to HQ following his head injury and seizure in the snow, Levi finds himself struggling to keep his body and emotions in check around Erwin.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Series: Mein Ein und Alles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836967
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	Mein Herz lügt nicht

**Author's Note:**

> It took a few seconds for the message to get to Levi’s brain and be processed properly. But once it sunk in, Levi wished a Titan would appear and swallow him whole.
> 
> 'No. Oh no. I didn’t. No, no, no, no! Oh God. No please don’t let it be true.' Levi shook his head. It wasn’t just the bed he’d wet. 
> 
> Erwin had been lying under him.

Levi was fed up. He had been patient. He had been well-behaved. He had let the doctor poke and prod him while he sat there with his head and body aching in his muddy, bloodied, wet, and urine-stained clothes until he was sure he could take it no longer.

Finally – finally- he was given leave to go.

“Alright, so the choice is yours, shorty,” Hanji piped up, annoyingly chipper. At least they’d brought him a new boot to wear. “You can stay here for observation or stay with myself, Erwin or Mike.”

Like it was any choice at all. He made a face as he pulled the boot onto his cold left foot and grunted, “Erwin.”

They grinned. “Thought so!”

They strode side by side to Erwin’s quarters, Hanji yapping away about new weapons they had in development. It was late, and Levi was sure Erwin was probably already washed and getting ready for bed. Levi still had his reports to do, though quite how useful they would be, he wasn’t sure. Every time he attempted to recall what had transpired in the last 24 hours, he could only conjure up fuzzy sounds, images, and general feelings of what had happened. There was nothing concrete to put on paper.

He was not looking forward to Erwin finding out that he’d had a fit; it would mean being grounded for two months, and a plethora of other restrictions had also been placed on him. Levi was supposed to be Humanity’s Greatest Hope, and Erwin had plans that might be ruined if Levi were unable to return to active duty.

It was taking an absurd amount of concentration to coordinate his limbs in order to just walk in a straight line down the hall. Manoeuvring his body was like trying to plod through water while wearing heavy armour. Yet, despite the fog permeating his mind and his lack of ability to concentrate on one train of thought for any length of time, once Hanji had opened the door to Erwin’s office and the man himself came into view, Levi’s mind trained itself entirely on Erwin. It was like the rest of the world melted away.

A wave of horniness washed over him; he tugged on his cravat, feeling distinctly hot under the collar. His whole being ached for Erwin, to touch and be touched by him. In his desire, Levi nearly forgot Hanji was there, and for a second was almost compelled to strut over to Erwin and start ripping his shirt off. But when Hanji began talking to Erwin, Levi caught himself and shook his head to try and dispel the thoughts.

_Shit. What’s wrong with me?_

He wasn’t a hormonal teenager anymore. He was growing increasingly concerned about the lack of autonomy he’d had over his mind and body for the last day, and Levi had serious doubts as to whether he could trust himself in this current state to make any sensible decisions once he found himself lying in bed later next to the gorgeous blonde officer. Perhaps he should have stayed in medical.

Said officer was now looking at him. Feeling humiliated at his body’s betrayal on the battlefield, Levi said quietly, “So, they think I had a fit.”

“It’s possible,” Erwin seemed to already know somehow. “I guess we ought to be on the safe side after your head injury.”

Hanji began to list off all the things forbidden to Levi for the next two months. On hearing that he couldn’t boil water, Levi cursed the bespectacled soldier for throwing their damn grenade in his vicinity. So he couldn’t make tea? Or boil water for cleaning? For fuck’s sake.

“Alright, I get it.” Levi just wanted them to leave. He palmed at his eyes, which throbbed in his skull. “Can I please have a shower now?” It felt like his genitals were actually cemented to his pants by dried blood, dirt, and piss. And he was sure he stank to high heaven.

Mercifully, Erwin dismissed Hanji and Levi was about to take first dibs on the bathroom when Erwin made what was possibly the most wonderful suggestion Levi had ever heard.

Erwin asked calmly, “May I join you?”

 _Yes! Yes! Yes!_ Levi’s mind screamed.

But somewhere along the way, the words got lost between his brain and mouth, and ended up being translated as the much less enthusiastic, “Um, yeah. Sure.”

Despite his blunted response, Erwin looked pleased and began unbuttoning his shirt.

“You were certainly eager last night to get this shirt off me,” the smug bastard said.

Levi batted at his arm. “Yeah, well, we now know that I wasn’t in my right mind.” It was a mortifying memory. He had tried to undress Erwin in the middle of medical. In front of three other people.

“So, shall I keep my clothes on, then?”

Nuh-uh. No way. He needed to see Blondie naked. Now.

Levi hopped up to sit on the desk to better admire the spectacle. “No, of course not. Go on then,” he heard himself say, incredulous at his own forwardness, “take them off. Let me see you.”

Erwin obliged and the muscles responsible for holding Levi’s jaw shut failed entirely.

Knowing that the mouth-watering erection on display was for him was short-circuiting what little brain power Levi had left. His mouth opened and closed like a guppy as Erwin approached him cautiously. Levi then tried to speak but forgot how to make any vowel sounds and instead made horrifically unsexy babbling noises.

 _Stop looking like you’ve never seen another man naked before. Try and look sexy and in control of yourself, for fuck’s sake_ , he scolded himself. _And stop staring at his junk._

As the man walked over to him, looking like Levi's wettest dream personified, Levi parted his legs slightly to permit Erwin to stand between them. With supreme effort, Levi tore his helplessly fascinated eyes away from Erwin’s cock and up to the chiselled chest and torso. And suddenly, his nerves vanished, so desirous was he to touch the hardness of this man’s beautiful body for himself.

The skin was warm under Levi’s fingertips, and there was an attractive smattering of light blonde hair across his chest. Despite knowing that they’d returned from a hard, dirty ride, Levi wanted to lick and taste the natural musk of this man. Levi looked at the left side of Erwin’s chest, where the heart he had pledged to humanity lay. Levi would always come second. Yet, he found that it didn’t matter. In Levi’s own heart, he knew that no matter what, he would follow Erwin anyway.

Levi leaned forward and pressed his lips to the skin just above Erwin’s left nipple. The coarse blonde chest hair tickled Levi's nose and chin. He could taste a tang of sweat, and Erwin’s excitement was palpable against his lips; his heart beating as fast as Levi’s own. It was reassuring to know that even the more experienced man was affected by their having merely undressed in front of each other.

When he looked up, Erwin was watching him with a kind of boyish curiosity. He certainly looked pleased, and his pupils were wide as he observed all of Levi’s reactions to seeing him nude.

Erwin pushed the jacket off Levi’s shoulders and together, they disrobed him. Erwin took as step back as he pulled Levi’s pants from his legs. The few yards now between them felt too far, but it allowed them to each drink the other fully in. Upon seeing Erwin’s satisfied expression, Levi’s mouth went completely dry; he tried to work some saliva into it, but his tongue ached and it looked like he was chewing, which couldn’t be an alluring look at all.

 _Stop it_ _,_ he admonished himself. _Look seductive, not stupefied._

Erwin appeared thrilled with what he saw. Normally slightly self-conscious about how he looked when he was washing in the communal showers, Levi was surprised that he took no action to shield himself from Erwin’s lust-filled gaze.

Content to be led by the hand, he willingly followed Erwin’s lead, hopping into the shower behind him. As they moved, Levi felt as if he were in a trance-like state. Maybe this really was all a dream. Perhaps this was all a dreamscape of his own making, and this Erwin that he’d conjured up wasn’t real either.

But once the water hit his skin, Levi was more assured that this must be real. There wasn’t a lot of room in the cubicle, necessitating the men to press against each other, wet skin gliding deliciously together.

In the communal showers, Levi had felt his treacherous eyes stray to the bodies of some of the other men, and had ended up having to go alone after hours when the water was freezing cold, lest someone notice his straying gaze and call him out on it. Letting his eyes linger on other naked men was bound to invite trouble. But now, his mesmerised eyes and hands could wander freely over what had to be surely the most perfect man in existence. Erwin was unnaturally handsome, and when he gave that smile that Levi was sure was only for him, his knees would tremble under him and threaten to give way. He had never touched another naked man before and took full advantage of the opportunity, pretending that he was just trying to help the other man wash. His hands trailed along the contours of Erwin’s flanks, then in towards his abs, then up until both hands were splayed against Erwin’s pecs; Levi had to remind himself to breathe.

In turn, Erwin’s large, calloused hands soaped him up, the suds and warm water bringing a new sense to the experience of Erwin caressing him. More slippery and less controlled, his hands slid up and down Levi’s back and chest leaving a tingly sensation in their wake.

God, it felt good.

Rather disappointingly, Erwin chose this night to act the gentleman and didn’t venture below Levi’s waistline. There was a lot of dried blood from his scalp laceration that had matted his hair together. It felt good to rinse it out and based on the colour of the water disappearing down the drain, there had been rather a lot of bleeding. The line of staples were tender, and Levi took his time washing the area carefully, not wanting to tug one out and risk the wound reopening.

All too soon, they were completely clean. Feeling refreshed and invigorated, Levi dried off and jumped into bed, hoping Erwin wouldn’t take too long to join him.

Watching Erwin’s ass as he bent over to retrieve something, Levi’s hand crept down under the cover and between his legs. Despite his body’s bone-deep tiredness, Levi wondered whether tonight might naturally progress to more than just touching and kissing. Nervousness had kept his cock flaccid, but he was feeling bolder after their shower together and wanted to see if he could manage to get it up now that he was relaxed in bed.

Was the man putting on pyjamas? Levi prayed that Erwin would forgo them tonight. Hadn’t he noticed that Levi had? And after all these weeks of trying to coax them off Levi every time they lay with each other in bed, was he really going to choose tonight to cover himself up?

As the blonde moved around the room, Levi’s eyes fixed and followed him. His cock had finally tuned in to tonight’s programme and Levi played with himself surreptitiously, hoping that his having an erection in bed wouldn’t make Erwin feel uncomfortable.

But apparently, it had the opposite effect. As Erwin approached the bed, his eyes lit up and focused on the unsubtle movement of Levi’s own hand beneath the cover. Blondie’s mouth was practically watering after Levi had kicked the blanket away and allowed the man to see what he was doing. Levi had never thought his own gear was anything particularly special. Erwin, on the other hand, seemed entranced, unable to tear his gaze away.

It was difficult to fully enjoy his hand _and_ perform in front of someone. In fact, it was impossible. Levi couldn’t believe his luck when Erwin offered to jerk him off. The feeling of a much bigger hand around him was overwhelming. The man was very experienced and wasn’t shy about tugging Levi’s foreskin up and over his glans in just the way he liked it. His hips pumped upwards into Erwin’s touch, and Levi felt himself throb out some pre-cum.

 _Do other men’s dicks do that?_ He thought, anxiously.

Erwin didn’t seem surprised and instead smeared it with his thumb to lubricate his actions. He leaned in to smother Levi’s chest, neck, and face with soft and sensual kisses. Then he threw a leg over Levi’s hips and straddled him, and Levi had a wonderful view of the man’s rock-hard body looming above him. The firelight danced on his skin, making him appear other-worldly.

Continuing to jerk him off with one hand, Erwin’s other hand went on an adventure up the inside of Levi’s thigh. A thrill of apprehensive anticipation shot through Levi.

He’d overheard Farlan talking to Izzy once about love play; about there being a point of no return. He hadn’t really understood what Farlan had meant at the time, but now, with Erwin’s hand wrapped around him, and the other creeping up to an even more intimate part of him, Levi found himself powerless to stop proceedings even if he had wanted to.

 _Is he going to touch my balls?_ Levi wondered, too overcome by the sensations to ask out loud. He knew he had been saying something intermittently but wasn’t sure what it was.

The hand crept up to touch the sensitive crease at his buttocks, then a finger stroked the skin just behind his sack. Something throbbed deep inside Levi under that inquisitive finger and then pulsed, rippling out and shooting straight to the tip of his cock and down to his toes.

Holy fuck.

Levi’s breath caught in his chest with the sheer intensity of the orgasm. His legs shot ramrod straight and his feet nearly cramped with how hard they curled. The teasing touch of Erwin’s fingers conjured up images in his mind of the man’s cock one day brushing up against his ass instead, and the thought made Levi cum so hard that it hurt. He felt his head being jerked to the side by his hair, then a hot mouth descended and was licking and sucking the skin on his neck with abandon, the talented hand continuing to jerk him off. His stomach was coated in cum in a way he never would have let happen if he were doing this solo.

Eventually, Levi felt his cock grow over-sensitive, his hips bucking from over-stimulation and Erwin seemed to notice and stop.

Arousal, or disgust? Levi wasn’t exactly sure didn’t know which emotion was stronger when Erwin scooped up some of Levi’s cum from where it had pooled on his stomach and used it to lubricate his own masturbation.

Now it was Levi’s turn to watch. Propping himself up on his elbows, he took in the sight of the big fat cock with its engorged veins and licked his lips. He reached out to touch and Erwin moved his own hand away. The glabrous skin was hot and soft, rippling over the hardness of the cock it encased. A bead of clear liquid formed at the tip, taunting Levi to lick and taste.

A sudden compulsion seized him.

As quick as a flash, Levi wriggled halfway down the bed until his head was positioned directly under Erwin’s cock. Pulling down the skin with his hand, Levi licked at the junction between the foreskin and the glans where he himself was most sensitive. He was taken aback when Erwin let out an expletive.

“Fuck! Levi, you don’t have to-”

Levi paused, looking up to check Erwin wasn’t disgusted. “Isn’t this how men please other men?” Had he mis-read something? Or was this not the right thing to do?

The look didn’t suggest that Erwin was averse to having Levi go down on him. Quite the opposite. “Yes, but-”

So Levi stopped listening.

He lapped up the drop of pre-cum and then took the glistening head into this mouth. As he licked and sucked and played with the soft sensitive skin, Levi thought about the power he possessed in that moment over the blonde looming large over him. The man was shaking with the effort not to come immediately; being in a mouth must feel even better than a hand. The muscles on Erwin’s abdomen were taut, and a fine sheen of perspiration covered his skin, accentuating the dips of his abs. Groaning with his head tilted back, Erwin then looked down at him with those stunning blue eyes, pure animalistic pleasure written across his face. Fuck, he was beautiful.

No one had ever looked at Levi the way this man did. Sure, in the past he had his share of creepy fucks leering at him; half of them probably thought he was a child, and the other half would like to pretend he was. But when Erwin looked at him, Levi felt warm. Esteemed. Cherished. Desired as a man.

Levi brought up one hand to touch Erwin’s stomach, to feel the hard body for himself. The other hand cupped Erwin’s balls, feeling them tighten and contract up towards Erwin’s body as he approached completion. He tugged gently, then moved the hand up to assist his mouth, fisting the base of Erwin’s cock and moving in time with his head. The action rewarded Levi with a small mouthful of salty pre-cum.

He didn’t really have a technique, or know what he was doing, but he’d dreamt of having someone to do this on ever since seeing a man getting oral from another man in an alley in the Underground when he was just a boy. Even as a young boy, he’d felt a twinge of arousal on glimpsing the men and knew instinctively that one man was pleasuring the other. Kenny had grabbed his shoulder and steered him away, muttering to him about not getting any bright ideas.

Crossing his eyes to try and see what he was doing, Levi worked his mouth and tried to imagine he was doing this to get Erwin ready to enter him. He had to shift when that thing deep within his pelvis throbbed and twitched at the thought, demanding attention, but neither hand was free to play.

He wondered if Erwin would be interested in anal sex. Levi had certainly thought about fingering himself before, but never had the guts to try. Despite knowing that it wasn’t entirely natural for two men to have sex in quite the same way a man and a woman did, and knowing the result would probably be fairly messy, Levi couldn’t help but imagine what it would really be like to have Erwin actually inside him. But would this heavy, girthy cock actually fit inside his body and feel good? It probably would for Erwin. For himself however, there would more than likely be quite a bit of discomfort. Yet, the thought of pain wasn’t especially off-putting if it meant they could join their bodies so intimately.

And then what? In his dreams, Erwin would be on top of him, or Levi was on all fours having the breath pounded out of him from behind. Dream-Erwin was rough and dominant; there was little tenderness, but he liked the idea of being fucked hard and fast by the bigger man. And afterwards some of Erwin would remain within him.

Looking up to check that Erwin was still enjoying himself, Levi was pleased to see that the man was now really struggling to hold back. Their eyes met and suddenly Erwin groaned loudly and pumped his hips, his muscled torso going taut as he came. Having not really thought any of this through, Levi realised that in less than a few seconds he was going to have another mouthful of cum, and this time probably a lot more than before.

 _Should I swallow it?_ he thought. He could turn his head and spit it out, but it would leave a mess on the sheets. Perhaps Erwin would enjoy watching him swallow.

Holy shit. The man didn’t merely enjoy watching it. The expression that crossed Erwin’s face nearly scared him; they stared at each other in silence for a moment, Erwin glaring down with an intensely possessive gleam in his cerulean eyes. Then it softened and the blonde was all gratitude and smiles and cuddles.

They got cleaned up and then held each other skin-to-skin for the first time. Never in his entire life had Levi experienced being held naked against another man's nude body.

It was rapturous. Never before had he felt the overwhelming feeling of closeness and trust that touching each other like this brought. His mind was flooded with longing and affection for Erwin. In that moment, he belonged with someone. How wonderful it felt.

~~

Unusually, as Levi slept, he dreamed; intense, nostalgic dreams of Farlan, Isobel and his mother. His mind was awash with the memories; the scent of his mother when she was whole and well, how sweet Izzy had smelled as a little girl, the sound of Farlan’s cheeky laugh. It all felt very real, and Levi was surprised to wake up alone in a large bed. He hadn’t slept in a bed in years. Extremely disorientated in the dark room, he reached around to see if anyone else was there. He was sure that he was in the Underground, but where were Farlan and Isobel?

Then he noticed that he was naked, and the bed he lay on was wet. He had never slept naked in his entire life. Groaning, he tried to sit up, but his head banged with pain as if he had a bad hangover and he swiftly lay back down.

 _Where the fuck am I?_ Rubbing his throbbing head, Levi tried to look around in the dark feeling increasingly confused and panicked. _Where are my clothes?_

He pulled the wet sheet around him, trying to figure out where he was. Had he gone home with someone? Then he saw a sliver of moonlight shining through a crack in the curtains.

He jerked upright again when he remembered that this was the Surface. The Survey Corps HQ. Erwin’s bed. Thank fuck. Shock filled him as he recalled what had transpired that very night. They had done it. They’d had sex- of sorts. And they’d both reached climax.

But where was Erwin? Had he left? Levi looked for thin lines of light around any of the door frames indicating someone was up and had lit a lamp. But it was pitch-black. It didn’t look like Erwin was in the bathroom or the office. A strong ammonia-type smell lingered in the room; perhaps he was bleaching something?

Levi lifted a hand; his palm was wet. Why was the bed wet? Erwin had cleaned up the mess, he remembered that. Had they spilled some water on the bed while clearing up after? He couldn’t remember. The memory felt far away and not like it had occurred only a few hours ago. He widened his eyes as though that would help recall what had happened.

Frustrated at his amnesia and wanting to treasure the memory of his first time with another person, Levi rubbed his temples with his fingers and shut his eyes. His muscles ached even harder than they had that morning and there was an odd metallic taste on his tongue. He felt like he’d run a marathon, rather than slept well after their celebratory shenanigans. But maybe this was how one felt after sex?

Levi pressed his hands into his eyes, his mind feeling even more fogged than before he went to sleep. It must have been a good four hours of uninterrupted sleep - an excellent night’s sleep for him. So why didn’t it feel restful and restorative?

He shivered, starting to feel cold from being so wet in the chilly room, but he felt oddly unsure what to do about it. Decisions felt difficult to make. His head ached. Perhaps he should just lie down and return to sleep?

Just before he decided to close his eyes and relax back onto the mattress, the door was flung open, causing him to jump, and Erwin strode in with another older man, both looking serious.

_What the-?_

The old man approached the bed, shone a light in Levi’s eyes and began touching his arms and legs. He bade Levi show him his stapled laceration, and Levi obediently bowed his head, trying to work out what the fuck was going on. Erwin stood watchfully to the side, looking twitchy and serious.

Levi tried to speak, but his perspective had shifted to some weird intense sense of objectivity and his thoughts had completely introverted themselves, the words stuck inside his head.

Then the two other men conversed while looking at him. Erwin’s tone was sharp as if he were angry.

Levi was struck dumb with confusion. Then it turned to fright.

Why had Erwin invited this guy over in the middle of the night when he knew Levi was naked in his bed? Strange paranoid thoughts filled Levi’s head as he imagined Erwin telling this old dude that Levi had jerked and sucked him off. His armpits itched as he began to sweat, fearful now that Erwin had changed his mind about wanting to be intimate with another man, was now outing Levi and was about to toss him out of his quarters too. Maybe this guy had come to take him to be disciplined for fraternising with a man.

Confusingly, the old man left, and Erwin came over and stood beside Levi, asking if he wanted to bathe.

Why would he want to bathe? He wasn’t dirty, he-

Cold horror washed over Levi as he suddenly realised that the smell permeating the room was urine, and it was coming up from under him on the mattress. Had he wet the fucking bed?

Trembling in disgust and humiliation, Levi tried to stand unassisted, pulling the wet cover around himself, feeling very self-conscious and not wanting Erwin to see his nakedness. With all his might he wished that Erwin would just disappear and leave him to his shame.

“Don’t touch me,” he warned. “I’ll get you dirty, too.” It was bad enough that the bed was soiled. He would have to sort that out next. But he couldn’t even remember where the spare sheets were kept.

Fuck. What was the matter with him? This couldn’t be normal after being jerked off, was it? Farlan never seemed so handicapped after tumbling in bed with his women and Erwin seemed perfectly alright.

“Don’t worry, I already am.” Erwin said, pointing to his leg. Erwin’s pants were wet and clung to him. “I need to get clean too.”

It took a few seconds for the message to get to Levi’s brain and be processed properly. But once it sunk in, Levi wished a Titan would appear and swallow him whole.

 _No. Oh no. I didn’t. No, no, no, no! Oh God. No please don’t let it be true_ _._ Levi shook his head.

It wasn’t just the bed he’d wet...

Erwin had been lying under him.

He gripped his head with one hand, needing the other to keep the sheet around his waist. His scalp wound ached from where he was pulling on his hair too hard, but he felt too distressed to care.

It was too much. The indignity of it all caused Levi to lose what little control he had over his trembling legs and his knees hit the floor with a dull thud. He could feel his body heave as he began sobbing, humiliated to lose face in front of the man he so desperately wanted to impress. 

He didn’t want to lose Erwin. But how would the man ever see him in a sexual light ever again? After pissing all over him and getting him filthy? And then crying on his floor? His dreams of lying with this man and learning to enjoy his touch, learning how to please him and be with him were slipping away through Levi’s fingers like sand. After a lifetime of avoiding such intimacy, now that he finally submitted to his desire and embraced it, his own body had betrayed him and now the man he had let into his life would be snatched away. How could he ever look Erwin in the eye again?

“I’m so fucking sorry, Erwin,” Levi managed to rasp out through his tears. He should leave. He should get up and go somewhere, anywhere else. He’d befouled Erwin’s bed and the man himself.

But where would he go? His thoughts were so scrambled that he couldn't remember the route to the dorms from here. His legs were weak and exhausted, and Levi wasn't even sure he could make the walk. And where were his clothes? His crying intensified in his disorientation and bewilderment that all of this could possibly have happened on what should have been a happy and momentous night with the man he was growing to love. Frightened and not knowing what was going to become of him, Levi's teeth began to chatter uncontrollably. 

To his surprise, Erwin knelt before him and pulled him into an embrace. Levi tried to keep his wet hips and legs away from the blonde, but Erwin was persistent and held him close, trying to reassure him that it was an accident and that everything would all be alright. Levi covered his face in disbelief that any of this could possibly be real.

He felt Erwin try to coax him to stand and sit on the bed, but Levi couldn’t bear to sully the place more than he already had.

Rubbing at his itchy eyes and snorting down a lump of snot, Levi tried to calm down. For fuck’s sake. What was wrong with him? He hadn’t wet the bed since he was a child. Maybe dicks just didn’t function as well after such strong orgasms, but Erwin hadn’t wet the bed.

There was the sound of running water and then rustling as Erwin ran a bath and changed the bedding. A pleasing lemon scent filled the air and after a subjectively long time, Erwin was raising him and steering him towards the bath. Levi was glad he hadn’t been bundled into the shower. He wasn’t convinced his legs would be capable of supporting him. They felt weak and Levi wasn’t sure why; maybe it was just the shock and misery of the whole situation.

It felt like his sense of smell was heightened and once the bar of soap was in his hands, he couldn’t get enough of the lemon scent. He closed his eyes as his senses became impregnated with his favourite smell. The world disappeared for a moment as he savoured the clean smell, until Erwin asked him to sit down.

Once in the bath, Erwin settled behind him and took the soap and lathered it. The water was so delightfully warm, and Erwin’s slippery hands moved tenderly over Levi’s body to get them both clean. Then, the wonderful man wrapped Levi in an embrace and in silence they lay against each other. A kiss was placed in his hair. He had clearly been forgiven.

The proximity, the tender way he was gathered in Erwin’s strong arms, and the warmth of his hard body seduced Levi’s addled mind. A wave of ardent passion washed over him and Levi turned his head up and round to see the handsome blonde face. Besotted by Erwin’s reciprocal smile, he felt the need to press his own lips to those of the older man; all of a sudden, he needed to have them both touching fully together from mouth to groin. A stray drop of water ran down the thick, corded neck and Levi lapped it up, then gripped their cocks together in his hand under the water, wanting to feel Erwin harden against his own erection.

Considering that lately it had been difficult to keep the man’s wandering hands off him every night, Erwin seemed strangely hesitant about going for round two.

“I don’t think I’ll be up to much else tonight,” Erwin said, sounding rather disappointed himself.

Not wanting to be a pest, Levi let go; he had heard that with age it was harder for men to go a second round. They got out of the cooling water and Erwin fished them out some pyjamas to wear.

“You don’t want to sleep naked?” He had enjoyed feeling Erwin directly against him; earlier Erwin’s cock, soft but still large and heavy from recent orgasm, had lain across Levi's inner thigh as they’d fallen asleep, and Levi had found it oddly comforting.

Erwin looked at him amusedly. “I would like to, but Becker has already seen you naked in my bed once tonight. If he had to come back and you were in a state of undress yet again, I might have some explaining to do.”

Levi could have smacked himself. Of course, the old guy was the Corps doctor. It was the doctor who had come earlier with Erwin; he hadn’t recognised him. Erwin must have been worried about Levi wetting the bed and called him. It wasn’t that he had regretted fooling around.

For a moment, profound relief flooded Levi and he visibly sagged, but then panic arose again. The doctor wasn’t stupid and had eyes in his fucking head; surely he knew what he was seeing? _And_ would report it. A subordinate naked in an officer’s bed? A _male_ subordinate naked in a _male_ officer’s bed?

Shit.

Really worried now, Levi stared at the older man. “Shit, Erwin. Is that going to be a problem?”

The blonde shook his head and looked non-plussed. “I’m sure he will treat what he saw with confidentiality.”

“With what?” He knew the word, but in the muddied waters of his mind he couldn’t quite remember what it meant.

“I think we can entrust him with keeping this private.”

Levi let out a breath, “Okay, if you think so. I trust you.”

He got to work pulling on the pyjamas, fingers clumsy on the buttons. He’d never been so clumsy in his whole goddamn life. Is this what sex did to people? Next time he was on the field, would Levi find himself dropping his blades, misfiring the ODM, or tumbling off his horse if he had sex too recently?

He paused doing up the buttons. What if this were to do with what happened when he was a child? When one of his mother's clients had decided to have him as well as her. The thought frightened him; had that experience done something to him that meant he couldn't have sex properly now that he was an adult? Perhaps the man who had attacked him had given a disease and Levi still had it all these years later. Or perhaps he was permanently physically damaged inside somehow.

Fiddling nervously with his last button, Levi looked over at Erwin; it was clear that the older man had a ferocious sexual appetite. How was this possibly going to work if Levi couldn't perform in bed or fell to pieces afterwards every time? He ran a hand down the side of his face, too tired to think about it.

Rubbing his eyes, he pushed the thought down. Maybe if he tried hard enough to forget about it, the problem would just go away. It wasn't as if he could try and explain it to Erwin; the guy would be disgusted. And Erwin thought he had a virgin in his bed. If he knew the truth, he probably wouldn't want to put his dick anywhere near him.

Erwin was busy remaking the bed. He never did a particularly good job of it, but Levi was too tired and emotionally drained to care. The mattress was dry and clean now, the soiled sheets thrown into a corner in the next room. Levi stood for a minute, staring at the bed. Erwin would probably want it to himself after everything that had happened.

“Maybe I’ll just stay up,” Levi said apprehensively.

Erwin stared him down. “You need to rest. Get into bed.”

 _He’s just being polite,_ Levi’s inner voice told him _. Politely decline and the poor man can get back into his own bed and not have to worry about you messing it again._

“What if it happens again? Maybe I should just…” Levi looked around at the chair and then at the door, in disbelief that he was being invited back into the bed at all.

 _I could sit in the chair_ _,_ he thought _. I’ll put a towel on it. Then if it does happen again, it’ll be easier to clean. And none will get on Erwin. Or I could go to-_

“I don’t care if it happens again. In fact, I want to know if it does,” Erwin reasoned, cutting off his train of thought. He reached out and took Levi’s hand in his, pulling him gently over to the bed, the whole time smiling his encouragement. The endearing smile reached his blue eyes, which had creased charmingly at the corners. Once again, Levi was smitten; he let himself be guided into the soft bed. His mind went blank as he stared at Erwin’s loving expression from his position on his side of the bed.

Like a lovesick teenager, he spread his arms to invite the other man in for an embrace. Erwin looked delighted and slotted himself into Levi’s waiting arms

Holding rapidly gave way to kissing, and kissing soon turned to touching, and touching to full-body grinding. Erwin smelled so, so good, and Levi simply _had_ to taste him. He flicked his tongue lightly against Erwin’s lips, hoping that the other man would rise to the summons.

And he did. Fuck, was Erwin a good kisser. Why hadn’t they used tongues before? He sucked and nibbled and played their tongues and lips together, and his taste made Levi’s eyes roll back into his skull and his body melt into the bed. It had been fun to taste his cock. But the all-encompassing sensations of taste, smell, and touch of their mouths against each other and the stroking hands caressing him simultaneously made Levi lose what was left of his mind.

Feeling hot and horny and wanting to continue to next base, Levi guided the other man on top of himself, wanting to feel the weight of the devilishly sexy man pressing him into the bed. The lump against his leg assured Levi that Erwin too was now looking to step things up a notch. Levi tried to grind his hips up into Erwin’s, but noticed that his own cock was soft and just smushed uselessly against the blonde’s pelvis. He looked down to see why it wasn’t responding.

“Levi?” Erwin asked, pausing momentarily.

“It’s not working.” Levi reached down to see if readjusting it would help.

Erwin was confused. “You aren’t enjoying it?”

Levi scoffed. “Of course I am. But it’s not getting hard.”

“What?”

“My junk.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re tired,” Erwin tried to reassure him. But then consternation creased his features. “Hey, don’t worry. I’m too tired anyway. It happens when you start to get as old as me.”

It was obvious that Erwin was just being polite. Feeling a bit embarrassed for leading the other man on but then failing to be physically able to actually continue proceedings, Levi asked, “I didn’t think you were _that_ old. How old are you?”

“34.”

“Huh.” So there were nearly ten years between them. Not that it mattered, but Levi found himself rather liking the age difference.

Erwin had clearly decided to call a halt to tonight’s games, leaning in and giving one final chaste kiss before manoeuvring them into a spooning position, Levi’s back pressed against his chest. A few kisses were pressed into Levi’s hair.

Erwin’s deep voice rumbled through him. “Go to sleep. We can play another time.”

“Fine.”

He was out like a light.

~~~

The next morning, he awoke to Erwin spooning him from behind, drooling on the back of his neck and one of his thick thighs shoved between Levi's own. Blurry memories from the events of the night before resurfaced, and Levi nearly groaned with shame.

He reached down to check that it hadn't happened again, but everything felt dry.

Thank fuck.

Still feeling stiff, but with a clearer mind, Levi carefully removed Erwin’s arm from around his waist, got out of bed without jostling the other man too much, and looked down at him.

He looked peaceful and content, an expression Levi saw too infrequently. Tucking the sheet around Erwin so he wouldn’t get cold, Levi re-stacked the fire and lit it so that Erwin wouldn’t wake up to a cold room.

Teeth chattering and breath visible in the chilly air, Levi pulled out a new uniform from his section of the drawer and dressed. He wanted to get the soiled sheets sorted before anyone else could see them. It wasn’t exactly a chore; he was fond of doing laundry when the water was warm.

Shit.

He wasn’t permitted to boil water. In fact, he probably shouldn't have lit the fire either.

Levi looked back at Erwin snoozing in bed. Well, he wasn’t about to wake the poor man just to heat up water for the mess Levi had made. He’d suffered enough for one night. Levi pondered. Maybe just this one time only he could dump the sheets in the laundry and run. No one would know whose they were.

He left Erwin a note in case the guy woke up alone and panicked that Levi was wandering around dangerously on his own. Which was exactly what he was doing, but he would get Hanji ASAP once the sheets were out of the way.

Resolved, he rolled up his sleeves and gathered the wet sheets, then walked as fast as he could without making noise down to the laundry room, threw the stinking sheets into the laundry bin and washed his hands.

_Rumble rumble._

The nausea of yesterday had subsided and he was fucking starving. Reveille hadn’t sounded yet, but they might be already prepping food in the mess kitchen.

There were a few early birds up and about. Hanji and Moblit were already in the mess hall sitting opposite each other at the trestle table, discussing some drawing Hanji had sketched of a flower. Levi snatched some food and ate with them for a while before plating up some for Erwin, figuring that based on his past behaviour, the guy was unlikely to emerge from bed any time soon and might miss breakfast.

Erwin was still fast asleep when Levi re-entered the room. Covering the plate with a cloth, he added a post-script to his note and turned to head back to the two mad scientists in the mess hall.

He paused before leaving, deciding to indulge himself just one more time in watching the sleeping man in the bed. It might be the last time Levi ever saw him in bed. He still wasn’t entirely convinced Erwin would be inviting him back. The thought of having to return to his bunk under Gelgar sent a shiver running down his spine.

Snoring gently, Erwin had pulled a pillow into his embrace in lieu of Levi. His jaw hung open slightly and his blonde bed hair was delightfully mussed. Levi smiled. He was so handsome. Touching the soft blonde locks, Levi reached down to brush a kiss on Erwin’s head, inhaling the scent of the man which lingered most strongly in his hair.

In this moment, Erwin was completely vulnerable. The man trusted Levi with his life. And only last night, he had trusted him enough to have his cock in Levi’s mouth. The memory of the unguarded expression on Erwin’s face as he came sent a thrill to Levi’s groin.

What the hell would Farlan have thought of all this? Of Levi jumping into bed with the man they had been hired to hit? This man, who some in the establishment felt was so dangerous that they wanted him gone. Erwin was a calculating and ruthless manipulator who would one day probably order Levi to ride to his untimely and gruesome death. At times, Erwin flew almost too close to the sun and risked being branded a heretic or a traitor for his beliefs about the world. Surely no sane person would want to entangle themselves with such a man.

Yet Levi had glimpsed the vulnerable soul beneath the authoritative magnificence Erwin sought to project; he had perceived the doubts and fears that swam beneath the air of assurance. Levi knew for himself that Erwin was a good man and had a conscience. Underneath the façades and disguises he wore was a man who was playful, funny, and caring. He could get up to hijinks and displayed high-spirited exuberance when they were alone together. And he was brilliant. He could see things no one else could. The whole of humanity might be lost without him.

Levi’s heart clenched in his chest; his feelings for this man were so very strong and he had no doubt that sex together had only strengthened them. He was in over his head with this man and stood perilously close to falling completely in love with Erwin. Closing his eyes, Levi prayed that last night’s fuck-up wouldn’t diminish Erwin’s desire for him. All he wanted was to be with this man. To belong to him. Body, heart and soul.

“Erwin,” he whispered the name softly without meaning to, reaching up and gripping the shirt over his own heart, in physical pain at the thought of losing him. “My heart- my heart is yours.”

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda didn't realise that I hadn't done Levi's POV for this chapter, but I felt it needed to exist.
> 
> I've purposefully tried to make him a poor historian in this, as his brain chemistry is just totally out of whack from his injury and seizure (just in case you think he's behaving rather out of character!)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed his suffering as much I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> I've actually now included this in the main body of my fic, as a few people said it needed to be in it, so apologies if you have already read it in Verbind


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